I chose to write part of my final paper about the Alzheimer’s Association. It’s pretty easy because I’ve read almost all of their information sheets and pamphlets. Despite that, this is the most difficult paper I have had to write as a scholar.
My mind keeps going back to when my Grandpa was alive and struggling with Alzheimer’s disease. As a family, we watched my Grandpa turn from a family member into a stranger. It did not happen quickly. Eventually, it got to the point that he couldn’t remember who we were; not even my grandma was an exception. We watched as he forgot who he is, what he stood for, and how to live. His body failed in front of our eyes.
I remember his funeral. Prior, my grandma requested that I play taps on my trumpet. I couldn’t refuse her. So I played. And I choked up less than three quarters of the way and I could not continue. My dad embraced me as I wept; my tears stained his suit. Everyone told me I was brave and that they were proud of me. In my eyes, I failed. I failed myself and I failed to uphold my grandfather’s memory. How could I ever play trumpet again?
When people ask me why I gave up trumpet, I lie. I say it’s because I got bored of it, because I didn’t feel like making music again. In truth, I can’t stand the sight of my trumpet. It always takes me back to that day.
A close friend I met in college asked what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear is developing Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t care what happens to my body but, I can’t put my family through that. I’ve seen it break full grown men and ravage families. I can’t afford to lose everything I’ve painstakingly tried to never forget.
Sometimes, I get anxiety from the thoughts of my grandfather and Alzheimer’s and everything associated. I used to get lunch and visit my grandfather’s grave. It would help. Now that I am in Pittsburgh, I can’t do that.
So I sit here. Remembering everything and fearing that I will forget it all eventually. I can’t finish this paper. Not like this.
The one night I need to stay awake and be okay, but that would be too easy right? My body fails me again. I will get a C on this project. I will get a C in this class. I still need to write a paper due Wednesday. I’ve lost to the paper tigers. I thought that this year would be different. I’m really not meant to be hear after all. I’m sorry to the person who’s place I took. This school is amazing and I don’t deserve to be here if my body can’t stand this level of pressure.
Today was a lonely day.
I wish I didn’t drift away from so many people.
IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS GIFSET FOR SO LONG
Idk what this is but lololol
What the fck I’m squeaking
NO NOO nO onOOO
gODDAMN TAG YOUR PORN
I shivered as the Pittsburgh air pierced through me and chilled my existence. Sane people don’t choose to walk around in the cold; I did. My thoughts screamed and ravaged my mind more with every step I took. Tonight made it clear to me, I really am alone here.